Handicapping American Idol 6

Haley Scarnatoused to be a gymnast. Who is Haley Scarnato, you ask? Yeah, I don't know either. I assume she's this chick standing in front of me wearing a red halter top that was recently attacked by a steroidal BeDazzler.

Going home = Jared “Carlton” Cotter; Meadow Soprano [Antonella Barba], whose foxiness was not enough and who now has a lucrative offer from the Girls Gone Wild guy if she chooses to accept it. No lie, either. He pitched a quarter mil her way to “host” a video. Maybe he'll let her sing too; Sabrina the Pussycat Doll is gone too, and she makes the best Alien-about-to-devour-Sigourney-Weaver face of all time as she leans in for the consoling hug from lesser talent Haley Whatserface; And finally, Sundancehead. Your brows were shaped for no good reason.

And holy s**t [my edit to keep the language consistent with my site tags], Simon and Seacrest WENT TO AFRICA TO LOOK AT SOME POOR PEOPLE. We see them sitting in chairs while little kids sing to them. Afterward (in my daydreams, anyway, where everything is better), Simon says, “That was appalling. It was like we were at some stupid school in Africa and they brought out the kids to sing to us. Ghastly. I can't sell this.”

Cut to the following groups:

1. A happy cluster of boys that includes Chubby Little Hands Chris, the one who wants to make David Hasselhoff cry. He is joined by Beatbox Boyand some other guys. They are doing dopey choreography and the cameramen are laughing at them.

2. A troubled group that includes Bailey Brown from Krum, Amanda the Mean Girl, and her best friend, Meadow Soprano. They can’t decide on a song and they’re all pouting. I want the cameras to just stick with this group. I can’t get enough of that My Super Sweet 16 bullshit entitlement and awfulness.

3. Perla and Gina’s group. Perla is a bad harmonizer, not a team player, which means that even if she’s cut—and she will be—she’ll go far in life.

Amanda Mean is exhausted after several grueling minutes of rehearsal and needs to go flirt with boys. She leaves her group to go attempt some seduction moves on several young and possibly gay men.

Lakisha Jones makes it through. She’s a big girl with a big voice and a big wig. And yes, I know it’s a gay cliché to be all about the big African-American girl who sings like a thunderstorm and gives off that whole “and you, and you, and you, you’re gonna love me” thing, but I’m already really into her and I refuse to apologize for that.

Amy Krebs, whose family obviously invented all those Krebstar products on The Adventures of Pete & Pete, is going through.

And then come the final four. Two men and two women. Of each pair, only one will exit Thunderdome alive.

Marisa Something Who Cries a Lot versus Meadow Soprano: Obviously the horse’s head in Paula’s bed worked because Meadow’s through to the next round. The crazy swirl of emotions explodes as the Elevator of Doom descends back to the bottom floor. Meadow Soprano pats Marisa on the back. Marisa jerks away with a very nicely played “don’t TOUCH me” move, sobbing, “How did this happen?” as she crouches to possibly vomit in the corner of the elevator.

Meadow Soprano says, “Some of the best people here get eliminated!” (Subtext: “Well, not me, thank God, but some of the other best people, like you, for example, who were better than me, but life’s just weird, huh?”)

Finally,it’s Tommy Who Used to Have a Big Afro and Now Has a Jheri Curl and Sundancehead. Tommy is big and still very cute. Sundancehead is short. Like really short. Like Dio short. Like wearing a big red pointy hat and living in your garden short. I didn’t notice this until just now. But there it is. And in spite of all evidence to the contrary, Sundancehead makes it on through. Tommy flips off the camera with both hands. Sundancehead, sensitive soul that he is, says, “If I do make it big, I’ll make you my bodyguard.”